I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He shit in the fireplace
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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