youre lurking in front of me
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
