it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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