the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I think my moral compass just broke
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
