they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
