It's a beautiful day for a hangover
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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