She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize