Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
