I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
