I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
