just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
