I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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