i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
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