1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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