Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
