I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
