Three words: puerto rican gang bang
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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