Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
