We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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