I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
kristin has been a bad kristin
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
