Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize