Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
