last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
