The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
