hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
