Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I met the friendliest cop last night
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
