I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
