well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
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