naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
