captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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