My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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