Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
