They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
