i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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