You made me cry and you don't even care
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize