he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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