I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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