I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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