Please, let me fuck your mom
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
