My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
