I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
