well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Randomize