when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
ttyl tear gas
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
