It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
