I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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