I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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