11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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