Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
