I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
