Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
