she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
