At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Where is the hickey?
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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