never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
