I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
